need another drink. this is the easiest way
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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