I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
