they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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