you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
