My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
