He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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