I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
