My room smells like vodka and shame
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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