Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
