Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
