YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
