I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Randomize
