HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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