i jhust puked up my retainher.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I need a beard to bite.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
