I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
