I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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