for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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