he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Is it because I queefed?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
why do cheetos always look like penises
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I will be naked everywhere
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
