Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
