In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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