Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
