I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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