I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
