We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i think my cat just said my name.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He did a backflip because drugs
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
