hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
