this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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