don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Randomize
