Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
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