please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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