I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
