Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
