Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
