take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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