ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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