literally had 100 drinks last night.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
