My first STD was from a foam party
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Im part way to drunk.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
