Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I am one with the molecules
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
