Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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