Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Randomize
