My sheets look like a crime scene.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
