can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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