Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
