he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
