Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
