I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
