I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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