whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
