First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I booty called her while she was in labor.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
