I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
