I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
