I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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