Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
